Musings: Notes From My Daybook

Question: How do I respond to the a long time family member who is now decided to formally acknowledge a same-sex union? I’ve not had to deal matters of homosexual directly until now. Suddenly it is staring me straight in the face and I don't know how to deal with it on a personal level, when I love and respect the women involved.

Response: I don't have simple answers on how to respond. All I can suggest are some possible trajectories. Because, as you suggested in your letter, I do have some insights into the situation you find yourself in. And I have not always handled it very well.

First of all, though we can say that we hate the sin but love the sinner, the net result of such an approach is seldom redemptive. What a person receives (no matter how it is said) is most usually condemnation, not redemption in such contexts. Part of my thinking that undergirds the Chronicle opinion piece is that we must move beyond the yes and no, black and white attitudes that continue to build barriers. Having said that, I am certainly not suggesting that we simply say that all is well and head to the party.

Rather, I do believe that you work toward a loving honesty. By that I mean, being able to articulate what you believe to be true about God’s intent for our lives—our sexual lives. I think that loving honesty also means that I acknowledge that some people are homosexual and not foster the notion that homosexuality is merely a lifestyle that is learned.

I want to be careful here. For some, homosexuality is a learned behavior and can be unlearned. Yet for others, within the very DNA of their beings they are wired differently.

Again, within the Christian faith, we make the confession that in the new world that God ushers us into, there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave or free, male or female; we are all one in Jesus Christ (Gal 3.28). That is too say, whether a person is straight, gay, bi, or a eunuch, that sexual orientation is not a category recognized among the people of God.

Obviously, some will hasten to say that people didn’t make that big of a deal about homosexuality in the ancient world. So, in today’s sexually charged environment, sexual distinctions need to be addressed. However, I would suggest that, like it or not, the fact that homosexuality was not a big deal in the ancient world is a helpful reminder that something has become largely distorted in contemporary society.

But back to how to relate and respond to a lesbian friend who has invited you to their union celebration. I would ask what can you clearly affirm? Certainly, you can thank her for considering you to be a part of a day that is very special to them. You can affirm your care and love for her. You can, I would assume, wish for her the very best.

You might choose to attend the ceremony—or you might not. If you chose to not attend, long explanations will usually only create more aggravation and dissonance. So the simple and kind response would be to say, “Thanks, but I regretfully decline.” If pressed, then to simply add, “My understanding of marriage differs from yours.” Otherwise, leave it be. Social occasions are not the proper venue for debate about faith.

On the other hand, I’ve been to plenty of weddings where I thought that the bride and/or the groom was making a big mistake. They were not matched to each other; they had failed to listen to counsel; they had ignored all the signs along the way. But I went. And, in some cases, the couple knew how I felt. And occasionally, I had a young woman or young man sitting in my study six months later crying over the mistake they had made.

In other words, I think the general response is that we continue to practice love and openness toward someone—even if we disagree with their theology or their choices. They usually know that we don’t agree. But that they will always struggle with is whether we really, truly love them.

In the case that you cite, I am confident that God will not turn his back on your friend. Yes, I do believe that she will reap the consequences of her choices. That is the case for each of us. But God does not turn away—and neither does those who seek to follow the way of God.

Does that mean that you invite this pair over for Thanksgiving or that you should play bridge with them on Tuesday nights? You will have to answer that for yourself. I regrettably confess that I have no too many times on this score. But if I can tolerate Uncle Charlie’s gluttony and Aunt Suzy’s gossip and my brother’s philandering and Grandpa’s abusive behaviors for a turkey dinner, then surely I can invite a homosexual friend or relative.

I am not saying that you need to become the best of friends or that you swoon over their “wonderful” decision to live together. If as a minister I was asked to officiate at such a ceremony I would certainly decline.

But down deep the thing that ultimately matters is whether we allow for God’s love to be demonstrated through our response. Or to put it another way: “Let your light shine so that folk can see God-light through you. (Carson’s paraphrase of Matt 5.16)”

I don’t know if this helpful or not. But I am so aware that whenever we begin to make rules we set ourselves up for failure. Because at the end of the day what really is at stake is not the delineation of what is right and wrong. Right will be right and wrong will be wrong; our saying it like a judge in a courtroom does not become us who have called to be witnesses to the gospel. Rather what really matters is whether the spirit of Jesus Christ exudes from our speech and our actions. And that means we have to take it one day at a time.
******